Work — Jesse

AVAILABLE end the search 48x48 spray paint on canvas... Frameworks are useful. Maps help explain the terrain. But totalizing and crowning the map king of the land suffocates reality in a way that creates diminishing returns. Reality has a way of speaking beyond any map or certainties. Finding the source helps me to relax the search. Allowing the cage to remain mysterious keeps me grounded.

AVAILABLE exposed 36”x48” painting on canvas… strange thing being vulnerable and feeling exposed but at the same time covering up and protecting myself because mother fuckers can be mean. Get naked then curl up. “Here I am”, I proclaim, and then “oh shit maybe I wasn’t ready”, drop and cover up. Then tomorrow I will be like, “hmmm maybe I should do it again, that was kinda fun or rather it didn’t destroy me.” Strange but perhaps this is the game I’m meant to play and maybe just maybe you are too.

AVAILABLE The in between 48”x48” paint on canvas Many changes. Tears flow. Orientation not firm. The ground shifts beneath me. Falling, my support system vanishes. I’m not sure I like being me. My body grabs for comfort. Donuts never let me down. My pants don’t fit. Fully aware I crave comfort. Food doesn’t argue. I finally relax. Donuts never let me down. But my pants don’t fit. It’s ok I can rest for a moment with a full belly, calm until I notice I’m falling. The inbetween might last awhile. I will take the comfort to cushion my fall. Donuts never let me down.

COLLECTED you are holy 24”x48” paint on canvas.. it’s weirdly difficult to remember that whatever made everything also made us, and therefore if anything is holy so are we. We all magically appeared here, and no baby is unholy. At our lowest moments this still remains true, we are as holy as we ever were… it just somehow feels like nothing is, especially us. I guess this is a reminder that you are holy, made of the same wonder as stars and raindrops.

AVAILABLE crying is ok 48” by 48” paint on canvas… I don’t know why I’m sad but I am. I don’t know why I long but I do. I don’t know why I am an artist I didn’t set out to be. My friend came in who is a beautiful soul and an amazing artist and he had doubts on his value and ability, and man that sucks because he is great and I relate. It’s a crazy rare strange thing we do and not many people get it. But some do. It’s deep, it's not for everyone, it's heartbreaking and strange yet beautiful because it's fragile. I'm so grateful for the attempt and the at bat. Yet I long to feel like it’s all worth it and to feel like we’re all good enough to exist and be what we’re meant to be. Here’s to trying and doubting and shedding tears because it’s perfectly ok to cry. Crying is definitely ok. Just let me cry. And Hayden you’re a special talent please keep going, I love you.

AVAILABLE your discomfort is not my responsibility 48”x48” paint on canvas… I recently had a moment of relief when I was reminded that other people’s paths, feelings, reactions, energy and triggers are not mine to own. For some reason being able to feel and read and see people’s inner world at a very young age made me feel responsible for it. So I spent my life hiding my real self in order to appease their sensitivities and avoid their many looks of scorn and judgements. In this one sentence I had an awakening of sorts that allowed me to feel lighter and more free. Your feelings and opinions about me and my stuff are not mine or for me (even if you insist on sharing them without my invitation) they are yours even if your jaw drops and you shake your head so violently that it falls off and rolls down the drain. Even if you remove your love and acceptance and gossip behind my back whilst smiling to my face. Still yours not mine.

AVAILABLE blue note 48”x48” paint on wood panel… the point is not to be perfect the point is to show up and express. Sing the blues or laugh until you pee. Let it out, it's ok. We showed up in this world expressing ourselves without any hesitation, all pure and all ok and we learned over time that not all of our expressions were welcome. I’m here trying to unlearn all that nonsense one blue note at a time.

AVAILABLE for heavens sake 36”x48” paint on canvas. A little whale fish and a little truck and a little unicorn and a little red nosed thing, some clouds and sun and a heart. This was a canvas and then it lived as a painting for about 5 years. Today begins its journey as this little ball of joy and sweet fun. I wonder how long it will last in this form. Maybe it will be this for 200 years or more?

AVAILABLE collaboration 36”x48” paint on canvas… real unforced jointly imagined partnership of play and creativity is a beautiful thing. When the right person comes along and understands the dance on their own and is able to hold space and allow space while contributing to the thing rather than all the many things that distract us from the thing. This is an amazing combination that allows for a thing to become more and to live bigger. A shared dream and vision is powerful, but so is finding a playmate who gets you. Then the fun, imagination, and creativity becomes the air you speak through and the lens you collaboratively see through. Collaborate almost isn’t a big enough word for the thing I’m describing but hopefully you have felt that shared joy with another human as you’ve created in this world. If you haven't, I highly recommend it.

AVAILABLE big decisions 72”x18” paint on wood panel… Why are these leaps so hard? Why is the tension so great? What happens if we don’t make it? Why am I so afraid? What’s down there in the abyss? Why does the unknown scare me but the known punish me? Why is the pain so great that leaping off a cliff sounds more appealing than sticking it out? Why does my body react so strongly to both scenarios? There must be risk, there must also be bliss somewhere out there, freedom perhaps, I’m not sure but for some reason I’m standing here about to jump… again.

AVAILABLE just listen 36”x48” painting on canvas seriously say less, just listen

AVAILABLE i see 36”x48” paint on canvas. Becoming safe enough within myself to look back at times where I was going through extremely difficult things alone emotionally neglected people that were supposed to care not having the bandwidth to show up and ask questions attempting to understand turning away not wanting to see because it disturbed their own stuff. Unprocessed neglect and burdens passed down from their family of origins. I’m left with wounds deeply rooted and formed before words could verbalize the pain. The unbearable pain of not feeling born correctly being broken from the start. To go back and witness from a healthier, safer accepting and loving perch and walk into the past and bring the presence I so desperately needed has been very cathartic. Mostly all I ever needed was someone just to sit beside me and see. See how hard it was, see how hurt I was, see how alone I felt, see how unfair it was, see how much I carried and survived. See how misunderstood I was. See how I kept trying to explain and show and prove and how over and over people just had no depth, no reflective ability, no space for me. As I become that witness to myself I weep and then feel lighter giving old wounds space to breath and heal.

AVAILABLE reunited 30”x40” paint on canvas.. it’s hard to under emphasize the significance of this reunion. Finally being safe enough to go back to this young man and witness his pain, his loneliness, his struggle and to sit with him embrace and just be so glad to see him again. I abandoned him out of survival, getting to adulthood and getting pummeled by burdens way too big for anyone to carry and I carried them alone. Nobody showed up, no mentor, no parents, no siblings, no friends so I buried some part of me that was so injured in all of the melee. Finally safe enough to walk back to him and just say dude that was so rough I’m sorry I left and I see you. You didn’t deserve that, nobody does. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. Holy flood gates of grief and relief and love so deep pain so deep that my bones wept. Then we sat giddy and glad to be next to each other, feet dangling just enjoying each other's company, no blame just mended hearts and a shared sense of hope for what’s to come.

COLLECTED let it out 24”x30” paint on canvas… let it out, be free, open, fun, dance, love, let it out, self imposed restraint, using others to be seen, when you can see yourself and enjoy the things that go on inside, spilling it out not for others but for you and the fact the today you slept good and feel good and have a chance to release particles of wiggly bits loosely flying forth inside, let it out, be free.

AVAILABLE behind closed doors 30”x48” paint on canvas People often ask why my paintings have crying eyes. I usually hesitate to answer, because it’s a deep question that deserves a deep answer. I often say, “because I carry a deep sadness.” But there’s more. Much of my life, I could feel the energy of people who said they loved me talking about me while I wasn’t in the room—behind closed doors. Teachers, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues. Not because I was hiding, but because they were. Instead of coming to me—asking about my inner world, my intentions, my thoughts—they chose to discuss me without me. I was disappeared. Stories were created about who I was, diagnoses formed that made them the hero and me the problem. There was no confrontation, no curiosity, no questions—only actions and silence that communicated disapproval. I learned early that being seen carried a risk: being replaced by a false translation of me. People often returned from rooms I wasn’t allowed in with theories rooted in their own fears and projections. Meanwhile, I was silenced into a place no one could see. The real me faded, as if I didn’t matter. To survive this, I learned to trust myself. I became cautious, guarded, selective. Not because I didn’t want connection, but because misinterpretation had consequences. This created a lifelong tension around being seen and heard. The good news is that I’m beginning to understand what happened. I’m learning how to set boundaries, how to trust my body when it recoils at dishonesty or betrayal. This is partly why being an independent artist works for me. Alone, I feel free—without the constant gaze of misinterpretation, without shallow projections cast onto me. What often passes as concern or care is something else. If you cared, you would come to me. Fear, judgment, psychological barf—these are not love. I do not need fixing. I do not need prayers framed as improvement. I need no advice or suggestions. Please keep those away. What I needed then—and what I still welcome—is a witness. A loving, precise witness. Someone willing to listen deeply and see what is actually here. That kind of listening is rare. I am learning to be that witness for myself. And it is profoundly freeing.

AVAILABLE Be Brave 30”x 48”, paint on canvas. Hold steady. Be brave. Amid all the fear, all the “what ifs,” this painting is a reminder to honor what my soul truly needs—the non-negotiables for it to thrive. To name them clearly, express them with precision, and release them. To stand firm, listen deeply, and, if necessary, walk away. Not in blame, but in self-respect. Be brave, hold steady, and wait.

AVAILABLE cheers you fucking weasel 30” x 40” paint on canvas Being led on is lying. Smiling to my face, telling me what I want to hear so I continue—that’s manipulation. I trusted in good faith. Then a little pressure and reality snapped into focus. This painting is a reminder to love with discernment. To listen when my body speaks. I keep thinking maybe this one will be different—that they’ll live by an honest code. I somehow refuse to give up hope that they’re out there. So I grieve the times the rug was pulled out from under me. The moments I opened my heart and got gut-punched. Oof. Ouch. These are broken hearts refusing to harden, just in case the next one is safe. Craving connection. Worth the risk. And to those of you who weren’t—cheers, you fucking weasel.

COLLECTED this is what healing looks like 24” × 30” · paint on canvas While painting this, I felt healed—deeply healed. Or at least clearly on the mend. That oh… this is what it feels like to be whole inside myself feeling. I sing. I yell. I hum. I stay in close contact with my finely tuned body. My nervous system is calm and centered, and I simply allow the piece to emerge. I keep asking, what else? Until my body says it’s finished. Then I put the paints down and say thank you. And I’m sorry it wasn’t always like this. I vow to stay. This is what healing looks like.

AVAILABLE nobody has to be ok for me to be ok 30” x 48” paint on canvas. The words beneath read: nobody has to be ok for me to be ok — including you. This isn’t coldness or a lack of care. It’s me honoring myself in a way I never learned to. For a lifetime I read rooms, smoothed energy, anticipated fallout, and managed other people’s emotions. I thought this was caring. I see now it was self-protection disguised as concern. This isn’t my nature — it’s learned survival. A deeply ingrained adaptation. Somewhere I learned that if the people I loved were hurting, my needs would go unmet and my sense of safety would disappear. I’m learning that this was never true. I am ok. I can be ok even if you are not. Nobody has to be ok for me to be ok.

AVAILABLE Nervous system love 36” x 48” paint on canvas My body knows the truth way before I do. My body knows you're safe. My body knows I can trust you. My body loves you long before I do.

AVAILABLE Say what? 24” x 36” painting. You come into my space and spill your stuff onto me. Even though it’s yours, I still feel it. Like… really? “Looks like a 10-year-old painted everything.” Thanks. “If you were brave enough, you’d talk more about yourself and your art.” Thanks. Doing art helps me process the puke people spill out. I let it move through. I don’t hold it. I forgive. But really though?

AVAILABLE Audacity 36” x 48” painting

AVAILABLE Send It 36” x 36” enamel on canvas

AVAILABLE keeping watch 30” x 48” — paint on canvas I spent years holding it all together. Reading rooms. Making sure everyone was ok. Taking care of business. Seeing where things were wobbly or weak and needing propping up. I also spent years exposed and open while others closed and walked away. I kept the light on. But there has been a cost. I gave up a part of me that was needing attention, hoping that if I waited and watched long enough he would finally be seen. I didn’t know I was over-exposed—too tender, my underbelly offered without shelter. I didn’t realize that loyalty, that not turning my back, left my heart open to break. There is a cost to being open and vulnerable, especially when others have closed and armored up. The new way is not to close, but to be less exposed. To build a shelter that can hold all of me. To leave the door open without standing guard. To create a safe harbor I enjoy even if nobody shows up. A place where I can dance, sing, and be light inside. Perhaps the watchtower was never the right posture. Maybe a cozy cabin, a warm fire, hot cocoa, is a better place to be. Maybe waiting was part of the problem. I will leave the lights on, but I will no longer be waiting for you. I will be safe, but I will not save you.I will be here, fully living—no longer keeping watch.

AVAILABLE It’s hard to describe 36” x 36” paint on canvas It’s hard to describe how much I love you. It’s hard to describe how deep and true it is. It’s hard to describe exactly what happened. It’s hard to describe how hard this is. It’s hard to describe how lonely it feels. It’s hard to describe how you don’t remember me the way I remember us. I hope your body does. I hope your heart does too. It’s hard to describe being erased and replaced with a story that made me something I never was. It’s hard to describe how much I miss you, and how deep this bond really is. My body remembers. It mattered. Even though sometimes it feels like that was erased too. It was real. It mattered a lot to me. I’m afraid you might never remember the way it actually was. I loved you because you were my son. That should be enough. It’s hard to describe how it feels like it’s not.

AVAILABLE Grounded 48”x48” paint on canvas I stand on solid ground. I return home. I focus on the ground while the world around me does what it’s always done. I never had solid ground before. I was leaning, anticipating, reading the room. Hypervigilance. Hoping, waiting, convincing. External validation and narrative chasing. No more. Internally it is safe and solid now. Knowing. I was fractured. I was surviving. Things weren’t meant to stay that way. They just got me through. I’m glad they did. Thank you. Exposed but not bracing. Vulnerable but not waiting. Loving but not leaning. Grounded just in time.

AVAILABLE New Friends 30” x 24” paint on canvas Ancient tradition meets new friends. Around the fire, presence increases, walls come down, connection deepens. New friends capable of mirroring with deep clarity and reflecting with precision helped me return home—to my own ancient and beautiful self. Love deepens. Peace emerges. Same tradition, new friends. My daughter says you need to do a painting of your new friend. I usually don’t take suggestions, but brilliance is undeniable. We vibe. This painting is for her. I see her. She shines. She is brilliant.

AVAILABLE The in between 48”x48” paint on canvas Many changes. Tears flow. Orientation not firm. The ground shifts beneath me. Falling, my support system vanishes. I’m not sure I like being me. My body grabs for comfort. Donuts never let me down. My pants don’t fit. Fully aware I crave comfort. Food doesn’t argue. I finally relax. Donuts never let me down. But my pants don’t fit. It’s ok I can rest for a moment with a full belly, calm until I notice I’m falling. The inbetween might last awhile. I will take the comfort to cushion my fall. Donuts never let me down.

AVAILABLE Returning Home 48” x 60” — paint on canvas This piece is symbolic. I painted over a version of me giving my authority away. This is a time of coming home. My authority lies within. I am no longer giving it away — to anything or anybody. I am oriented inward now. It’s a profound shift. It feels settled. It feels coherent. I am no longer choosing external orientation. I’m returning home. It’s very alive in here. Thanks for keeping the light on.

AVAILABLE Rare Bird 36” x 36” — paint on canvas I’m a rare bird. My dad is a rare bird. We are not the same. I’m not asking to be seen accurately by everyone. If you resonate, great. If you don’t, great. What I am tired of is inaccurate observation. So I send signals of who I am into the world — not for approval, but for accurate witness. I’m clear. Your receiver might not be. That’s okay. Let’s just stop pretending. I was born into a system that wasn’t oriented like me. I came out wanting to know reality. I wasn’t excluded slowly. I was made to feel wrong. I was asked to change. To abandon my feathers. To rotate my orientation. To fit. I didn’t disappear. But I did have to remember myself. I am still sending a signal — for clear receivers. I’m a rare bird. It’s okay if you’re not. Just don’t make me wrong for being different. My refusal to honor the hierarchies that harmed me and normalized your self-protective violence is honest. I’m a rare bird — not arrogant. Accurate. Particular. Precise. When you observe me, get it right.

AVAILABLE So Long 48 x 60. So long, farewell. It’s been a beautiful time. All love. But it’s time to go. A lot was spoken. A lot was felt. I lived fully here— and I grew. Oh, I grew. Once in a blue moon something like this comes along. I saw one. I sang the blues here and I showed my heart. It was rich. Not perfect—but real. I showed up the best way I knew how, without bending to fit. I’m proud of that. Thank you. Now I mount my fearless steed and ride off to conquer more imaginary dragons that feel very real to me.

AVAILABLE one fish two fish 36”x 48” paint pen on canvas… I’m as confused as you but the boy in me loves to play and Dr. Seuss is great. Somehow finding space for the child in me to come out and be safe enough to smile and explore while the world and even my grown up self doesn’t really get it is a game that feels necessary for me to heal from the years of hiding him.

AVAILABLE awe 48” x 48” painting on canvas… the size, the beauty, the vastness, the smallness, the witness, the participation, the belonging to it, existing in and amongst it. The universe is grand and we float in space zoomed into our tiny little piece, and that’s beautiful too, that we each have our own little slice of the universal all. It’s too pretty to be random.

AVAILABLE whenever you’re ready 36” x 48” painting on canvas… I am a wounded one full of pain and grief. I forget that is not only what I am. I am also a created being connected and made by God and loved deeply by Him. And if that’s not your cup of tea that’s ok whatever made everything made you too and it seems like the truth is whatever it is called, “the universe” “God” “the source” loves what it creates and does it out of love not obligation. Sometimes I put my hands behind my back, afraid to embrace that reality and identity. I am a teacher and a guide. I speak through my art that truth. I am called love, I am loved, like actually. And you regardless of what you believe are too. Whenever you’re ready, open your arms and the love of the entire universe is right here always and forever. I’m here just for you, no pressure, take your time little one, eventually you will see, and I will completely and fully understand why it took so long.

AVAILABLE just leave me alone 36”x36” paint on canvas… sometimes I think if I can just do enough inner work then nothing will ever bother me and I will always feel peace and be ok with every circumstance. This is what enlightenment must be like. But man, sometimes another person's energy and presence is just impossible to find that inner peace and maybe I would be better off alone. When this type of situation happens I think enlightenment is impossible, and I should just focus on my external world by removing people and circumstances that cause pain. I’m not sure, probably both have their merits, but until I’m enlightened, can you please, just leave me alone? Your presence is interrupting my quiet time.

AVAILABLE witness 36” x 60” paint on canvas… for me I grew up in a culture and family that did not ask questions out of curiosity, did not try to understand, they made many assumptions and ran with narratives behind my back judging and condemning before I even had a chance to be known. My deep feelings were met with silent avoidance. Only now am I finding out the truth of both what they actually thought and how it isn’t a reflection of me as much as of them. This painting is the idea of simultaneously feeling ashamed and hiding how we feel whilst desperately needing another person to witness us. Not fix or give advice, dismiss or judge, not be told they will pray for us, but just witness with love the naked vulnerability of being a deep sensitive kid who needs to be allowed to feel, accepted and loved exactly as I am. And all the witness needs to do is just see all that, and say it’s ok. It’s ok that you feel that way, it makes sense, I get it. And it’s perfectly ok the way you are built and made, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Thanks for being brave and sharing what’s inside.

AVAILABLE words aren’t enough 36” by 48” ink on canvas.. stream of consciousness drawing

AVAILABLE I care but really I don’t give a fuck 36”x 48” this is fun this is great this is love this is expression this is me and sometimes I just remind you that I care but really I just don’t give a fuck. With a smile and love and holy blessings but take that scorn and judgment way over there whilst I enjoy being me, dancing on the canvas singing my song.

AVAILABLE just use all the colors 24” x 48” paint on canvas… I heard somewhere you weren’t supposed to use all the colors when you paint, some artist said it like matter of factly. Basically fuck that. There are no clear rules and part of art is expressing and feeling fully and safely on the canvas or in the song or on the paper etc. So I give myself permission to use all the colors. And btw I have no favorite.

AVAILABLE golden boy to black sheep 30” x 40” paint on canvas… it’s one thing to understand intellectually why someone is the way they are and even in dysfunctional family dynamics seeing that these patterns develop many times over in many families. It’s entirely different to be persecuted and ostracized for telling the truth and being a cycle breaker of toxic family dynamics and having to live through the pain of it. The black sheep cannot convince the flock they are not black, all the attempts go into ‘evidence’ of the narrative reinforcing itself. This was never about knowing, this was always about blaming to avoid the deep shame we live with. It’s a subconscious thing they aren’t even aware of. It’s hard to even blame them but it still just feels sad, painful and hopeless to be the one they all must project their hidden shadows onto, for them to protect their mirage of goodness.

COLLECTED letting go with love 36” x 60”… I used to think badly about my ego. Well once I even realized I had one. I tried for years to reject and condemn it. Not long ago I realized loving and appreciating the ego is more effective. It’s there for good reason to protect us and shaming it or condemning it is just more protective resistance. So with love I see the protection and I appreciate the help but I’m trying a different way now. The fear kept me safe while I had no other way but I can handle a lot more than I once thought or needed so it’s time to let go.. but with gratitude and love. Thank you for keeping me safe.

COLLECTED ah 48” x 48” paint on wood panel ‘canvas’… sometimes it’s more of a moment and a feeling and my words would only subtract from it.

COLLECTED I love you deeply and I see you 24” x 48” paint on canvas… happy birthday my love, deep complex and beautifully simple and easy, all love and many layers of shared experiences, memories, so much love and her being there by my side, rooting for me and holding my heart so gently. Thank you my dear it’s been an honor and so much fun.

COLLECTED All I got 36" x 48" painting on canvas.. often the process by which I paint is frustrating and I often feel absurd for even trying to be an artist... and all I can do is lay it down...lay it all down and pray ..and really it's all I got ...l have nothing else...I'm lost and bankrupt without You, so I submit.. that's it.

AVAILABLE reluctant warrior 36” x 24” painting on canvas… I wonder how many of us throughout history have gotten into fights and wars thinking we must, even though what we really want is peace and love and creativity. I feel like just being a kid in my hometown was somehow a cruel battle that never ended and all I ever wanted was to be loved and feel safe.

i cant wait 30” x 48” paint on canvas… When I was very young my dad used to take me to his construction yard and let me play on the tractors. I have vivid and fond memories of exploring, pretending, imagining, climbing, and having so much fun on these giant steel sculptures of beautiful wonder. I think art is a way to connect to this innocence and feeling alive exploring the world inside and out as often as I would like.

here but not for long 36” x 48” painting on canvas… one of favorites to date.. don’t ask me why

COLLECTED God… I worship u 8.5” by 11” ink and sharpie on cardstock

COLLECTED Untitled 8.5 x 11 ink on cardstock

COLLECTED Am i normal 8.5 x 11 ink on cardstock

COLLECTED pause the show 32" x 48" enamel on plywood

AVAILABLE imagination: antidote to school 36” by 48” I have strong emotions regarding school and the school system… mostly I feel betrayed, tricked, and that I was naive.. I think my imagination saved me many times from the excruciating pain of listening to clowns standing in front of me with a captive audience thinking they were angels rather than the pathetic mouth breathing life wasters they actually were and still are. If we made school voluntary rather than compulsory how many kids would be free of the horror of the clowns?

AVAILABLE abstract no. 13 24” x 36” painting on canvas… one of my absolute favorites

COLLECTED I have a question 36 x 48 painting on canvas... you force me to come here and expect me to put on a smile and swallow your nonsense... worship the chaos and believe your lies.. and you wonder why I am violent to your absurdity and fake ass mask... I was a good little sheep and you stole my ability to think and to dream.. filled me with unexamined words and sent me on my way.. well I'm back... and I have a question.

COLLECTED Intervention 36" x 48" painting on canvas... an intervention by a bunch of monsters... it doesn't matter what the mob says or the group or the tribe or your own family if they're monsters their intervention is invalid and probably more telling about the horrors of the group members than any directed intervention might say... the problem is when the monsters are hiding right in front of you and whispering behind your back waiting to attack... it catches you off guard like the wolf in little red riding hood... it seems that for most monsters the best defense is to not even let them near you in the first place... after a failed intervention the monsters showed their teeth and I can certainly never forget what I saw.... They say, "You need help" but you're all monsters... I reply.

COLLECTED tokyo 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED Power of prayer 24" x 48" not what He can do for me but what I can do to serve Him in love and gratitude for even existing to be able to know Him and call upon Him whenever and how ever I want even though I don't deserve any of it.

COLLECTED thanks for caring enough to fight with me… it's the indifference that kills me. 24” x 36” painting on canvas…conflict breeds a fight, flight, or freeze response… the problem is that most people seem to be runners… when I am usually a fighter.. this doesn’t mean I want to actually fight, it means I’m ready to engage in the conflict in order to get to the bottom of it. The problem is that if you run away then you have to be the one to come back… (I won’t chase you, that would teach you that running is ok) and running away without explanation or a commitment to circle back means you took unilateral control over “our” relationship… the runners tend to stay away and convince themselves that this is best.. even though it isn’t mutual and comes across as indifference.. which real indifference from people i love is extremely painful leaving me feeling like I was never loved to begin with and am definitely not worth coming back to. So even though I don’t think we should harm each other when we battle to resolve our issues… it does mean that sitting down and trying to get to the bottom of it is often all it takes and I appreciate that (even when it’s difficult and messy) more than the cowards that convince themselves that they’re running … and then staying away… was justified.

AVAILABLE Broken? 48” x 32” paint on wood panel… I wonder how many times I was longing for connection to feel seen, heard and just held but was met with rejection? I wonder how deep the message of condemnation for having big feelings got rooted? I wonder how many of my decisions up until now have been a quest to both avoid being seen for the parts of me that were rejected and then avoided and condemned by my little self in an attempt to protect my broken heart? I wonder now how much of my nervous systems anxiety and fear are tied directly to these deeply rooted beliefs about my own worth? I wonder why I long so much for connection while at the same time crave solitude? I came into this world vulnerable and somehow fell under the illusion that I must not be good enough for this world's love and acceptance. This must’ve been in order to protect the longing and ache to be loved for all of me. I guess it’s time to get back to that state of vulnerability armed with an understanding that I can handle other people not understanding me. I can handle them not seeing me or holding me. I guess I’m learning to hold that sacred space myself and somehow others seem to be able to show up when I do. Here’s to healing all the wounds that got put there regardless of how they came.

COLLECTED you're here! 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED Defeated 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED LSD energy 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLLECTED this works… but i don’t know why 30” x 48” painting on canvas… I paint because I am called to paint… I might not paint forever or even after this one.. I probably will paint again but I’m not sure.. I’m not sure about lots of things… I think this painting works in the same way that peanut butter works with jelly… I’m not sure exactly why it works… somebody else might be able to tell us.. but not me… my job is to do the thing and trust the process… and then stop when it’s time. Then present it to the world as a finished piece. Beyond that I’m not sure. It’s a strange game I play but like I said I’m called to play it so I try to be grateful for being called at all. So far it’s working and those I’m responsible for are taken care of.. and I get to paint today…and that’s the magic and the mystery.. like my heart pumps and I didn’t do anything to make that happen… but I’m grateful it still is for now… this painting and the fact that it works is beyond me but I’m grateful it does and I got to be a part of it.

COLLECTED let’s dance under the moonlight 24” x 48” paint on canvas. Dancing is another way we humans are able to express things that words often fall short of and experiment with movements of the body we occupy. It also is a fine way to connect and love each other without words but with shared experience. Shout out to my wife for opening my eyes which seem to default to shut or blind at times. Let’s dance. Nobody needs to be good at the thing, just show up and move with us, smile, we love you.

AVAILABLE i love the mountains & Bob Ross warms my heart 30” x 40” paint on canvas… I love the mountains and have been going to them my whole life. I would like to live there someday. Alas, the dreams of being an artist with a mountain studio will have to wait a little longer. The longing for tranquil clarity and crisp nature, air and space oh the space and peace. When I was young my mom and I watched lots of PBS art shows and Bob Ross was such a calm peaceful presence who always dared us to put a tree wherever the fuck we wanted so I put one where it couldn’t really exist but nonetheless here’s to Bob Ross suggesting I could create too with ease and effortless goodness. Bob Ross, you warm my heart.

COLLECTED searching 48" x 96" painting on wood panel

COLLECTED you can't save me 48" x 65" paint on canvas

COLLECTED as they walk away 48" x 44" paint on plywood it's a reality I have lived with since I discovered The Author of Reality

COLLECTED narrow gate 72” by 24” painting on wood panel… The concept is that there are many colorful and shiny things that in their proper place are harmless... but when placed at the altar of our existence to worship, cause harm and chaos and eternal death... these things seem good but when made into absolutes fail.. there is only one Absolute that deserves our worship and our loyalty... the Bible is not it.. love is not it .. kindness is not it.. physical health is not it.. family is not it... political and social justice are not it... self improvement, self passion, and anything involving self is not it.. long life is not it.. nature is not it... you can read “An Uncommon Truth” to discover what “it” is.. or not and continue down the path you’ve been on. Free will is a very powerful thing indeed.

COLLECTED graham 48" x 60" painting on wood panel when my 5 year old baby boy flips me off with both fingers and smiles with genuine love in his heart I cannot help but smile and love him more and more

COLLECTED i'm here i'm out 48" x 96" painting on wood panel

COLLECTED what are you laughing at? 48" x 96" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED from me to you 32 x 48 paint on wood panel… sometimes it is just fun to flip the bird... again in some sense it's just a hand gesture and the joy of pushing buttons and smiling while being a bit naughty just makes me feel good. It's also fun to give a bird to someone who deserves it like ur boss or ur teacher or the man or some Karen or Internet troll or any number of asshole judgmental prudish people who are taking themselves way too serious and just get all offended by our curse words yet have the coldest most evil hearts and closed minds you could imagine.

COLLECTED vanilla 32" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED #metoo 48” by 32” painting on wood panel… Hello Kitty covering up her innocence as the monsters prowl

COLLECTED shine your light 32" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED banana 32" x 48" painting on wood panel

COLLECTED emperor's new clothes 48” x 64” painting on wood panel… this is based on the idea that we are all walking around more naked, vulnerable, weak and pathetic than we want to admit so we put a crown on and pretend to be in control, dressed well, super successful etc. Then to make it worse we all nod and applaud each other’s “new clothes” bc we don’t want to be exposed. We all expect everyone to go along with the charade bc we give them the fake praise they implicitly ask for. So we all go along with the lie that we’re good and that we “got” this life on our own. When we finally stop the lie and feel the fragile pain of existence and ask for help from God, only then can He clothe us in His fine and protective garments.

COLLECTED Moon. Goat. Blue Note. 32" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED overwhelming but awesome 64" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED blue lima bean. green olives. yellow balloons. buck knife 32" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED bird song 32" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED Undeniable 48" x 48" paint on wood panel… I spent a lot of my life running from this reality. Once I stopped running and turned to look and listen with an open heart and mind... well it became clear and undeniable.

COLLECTED city nights 48" x 48" paint on wood panell

COLLECTED God's country 48" x 48" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED i got you 48” x 48” painting on wood panel canvas… depicting the ancient ritual of leg hugging by children and the protective spirit of all parents, especially our Father up above.

AVAILABLE pour out the good 36” x 60” paint on canvas Man it’s been such a strange season in life… buuut the sun is shining and I still get an at bat at this artist ting.. this is on an actual canvas and it’s titled “pour out the good.” Meaning what the hell are we waiting for?… let’s empty our good out on the world .. the source of good ..ie God..is never ending.. ima try and leave this life with none in the tank.. or at least until my kids get home and start fighting

AVAILABLE you belong here 36” x 48” painting on canvas… the fact of your existence begs the question of whether you were meant to and if so why…

COLLECTED I'm really glad ur here 36" x 60" paint on canvas .. representing all the love and connection between people who choose to show up in whatever form they're in for each other ...freely ...without have to's ...but rather ought to's ....and especially want to's

COLLECTED bended knee 30" x 40" paint on canvas

COLLECTED tension 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED a sketch of a man 30” x 40” painting on canvas

COLLECTED authority 60” x 48” painting on canvas

COLLECTED family 48” x 36” painting on canvas… family done right seems to have an element of having each other’s backs … sometimes having each other’s backs looks like protecting them from harming themselves and others and many times it’s simply listening to their point of view and trying to understand it. It doesn’t seem to mean anything about blood or being related in a lawful or biological manner, at least not in the way that makes one type of family better than another.

COLLECTED ink blot 48” x 48” painting on canvas…. The Rorschach test uses ink blots to allow a patient to freely see any subjective interpretation of the abstract images.. think cloud and finding an image of a turtle in it… ok what’s fascinating is that psychologists use this test or analysis to determine what actually and objectively is going on with a patient.. and get this … “especially where patients are reluctant to share their thinking processes openly”… all this is to say that how we view the world in some ways is open to interpretation however all this does is let everyone else know what you’re projecting onto the world especially if you’re resistant reluctant or simply put hiding the real you.. the Rorschach test is called “projective psychology”.. As an artist I love hearing what people see and feel as they interact with a piece… it shows me what’s “under your sheets” whether you like it or not. Also when people falsely accuse us of being a certain way or of having bad intentions often it is them using you as an ink blot to put their own darkness on your canvas because they are reluctant to be open and honest about their own filth.

COLLECTED cave walls 48” x 64” painting on wood canvas

COLLECTED night 30" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED parenting 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED dream on... 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED Same pain 30" x 48" paint on canvas…the universal pain that seems to be a required condition of existence sometimes helps break down differences that seem trivial in comparison when we can be vulnerable and share.. or maybe more often do all sorts of things that separate and cause more pain to those around us because our own pain isn't being recognized or dealt with in the open honest vulnerable way it was meant to.

COLLECTED U take my breath away 36" x 48" painting on canvas...dedicated to the type of love that forces us to change in the best possible way because what once did not exist suddenly appears and we can no longer remember what life was like before we met her... or him.

COLLECTED The King! 36" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED ridin high 36” x 48” painting on canvas … a tribute to feeling good regardless of the mess we’re in!

COLLECTED city blues 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED the last supper 82" x 36" paint on wood panel

COLLECTED The storms of life 48"x 60" painting on wood panel.... Simply observing other people struggle through the storms of life creates a storm in and of itself that surrounds the observer...another reminder that none of us live in a vacuum and that what we say and do affects others. Likewise watching others do genuinely good things creates euphoria.. a storm of goodness... either way if we care, we watch and it's tough to see them sail away into the storms often feeling helpless and proud at the same time.

AVAILABLE sent floating 24” x 48” painting on canvas

COLLECTED even in space 30" x 48" painting on canvas

COLLECTED the elephant 36" x 48" paint and ink on canvas

COLLECTED lucky me 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED troubled genius 30" x 48" painting on canvas... this human was amazing at music and he also was violent toward women and men...people loved him and still do and they hated him and still do.. I'm a fan.. he seemed to be searching as many artists do and if we attempt to dismiss genius because of wrongdoing all genius and all words and every human would be dismissed and cancelled... besides as my best friend reminded me many times "I think we will be surprised who ends up in heaven" and just as likely who doesn't... RIP Jahseh

COLLECTED feminine 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED exploring 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED someday i'll gladly repay you 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED hanging on ... but barely 24" x 48" paint on canvas

COLLECTED bi$@h i'm riding a dragon 24" x 48" paint on canvas

AVAILABLE Kimberly Marie 24” x 48” painting on canvas… sometimes life can punch me so hard in the chest, gut, and stomach it buckles my soul to its internal knees and I find myself drowning… and for the last 15 yrs or so my wife, Kimberly, has been protecting me from this life completely swallowing me in darkness …this piece is also dedicated to Pat and Melanie of @doylespubandtap who showed my family and I tenderness and kindness .. prayers and love to them always…

AVAILABLE love knows no bounds” 26” x 48” painting on wood panel canvas

AVAILABLE AS I SING 24 x 48 spray paint on canvas

AVAILABLE Truce 30 x 40 paint on canvas

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